The Old Woman Inside My Little Ol' 35 Year Old Self
I have an old soul. Always have and I imagine I always will. I have never really felt like I have fit in with the "my age" crowd. In fact, I don't know that I fit in pretty much ANYWHERE in society. I get along with all types of people and can manage conversations with anyone. I can be very social, but that doesn't mean that I feel like I fit in. I don't like to party and never have liked it, I don't drink, I LOVE being alone in nature, I am kind of a homebody since I got married (cause I LOVE being with my children!!!!), I don't really care at all about style or dressing super nice......etc. On the other hand, I feel at ease when I see and talk to elderly people. I love their stories.....love their wisdom.....love their history.....love their honesty....love their pride.....love their simpleness. I think that's why I loved being a CNA. Most days, I was taking care of elderly, and I truly just LOVED taking care of them. I felt like I fit right in, and most times, I could feel they were comfortable with me helping them so much.
NOW, on to a different kind of OLD. This past 5 1/2 years, I have aged SO VERY MUCH! I am NOT the type of gal that looks in the mirror every day and really cares much about what I look like, but one thing I always did take pride in was my smile, because no matter what, I could share it with anybody. And it didn't matter if I was skinny or had gained weight and was bigger.....my smile was still the same. After I developed a very severe case of Bell's Palsy back in the year of 2012, I remember waking up and feeling super numb and in so much pain. I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and realized I had a big problem. Half of my face was paralyzed!!!!! My doctor said that the majority of people who end up with Bell's Palsy end up making a full recovery within a few months. It has been almost 2 years, and I still have not made a full recovery. I have definitely come a LONG way, but not even close to a full recovery. I still have a NOT full smile, I have to cover my mouth when I chew while eating so that food doesn't fall out, I still wake up with my eye completely swollen shut and lots of pain around the bone structures of the right side of my face (especially if I've been super stressed or if I'm super tired), my eye sometimes twitches out of nowhere, my eye sometimes weeps out of nowhere.....and on really bad days, when the right side of my face is super droopy, people stare and ask what's wrong (especially little children). While I have gotten used to other people's reactions and am at peace with what I have, it is my own thoughts I still have to get used to. I LOVE life and LOVE our world, and the way I show that is through my smile. To not be able to share my entire smile, especially when I am trying so hard to do so, is what kills me the most. Have you ever just sat and stared at yourself in the mirror SO LONG that you literally don't recognize yourself anymore????? On the rare occasion that I stop to look in a mirror, I don't even know who I see anymore. I see a woman who has aged SO VERY MUCH in the last 5 years. I see wrinkles in the creases of my eyes when I try to smile. I see bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I see pain from sometimes not knowing what to do to best help my children and to best help my husband. I am old. The weird thing is.....I'm ok with getting older, TRULY!!!! But I just want to look in the mirror and recognize myself. I look into my eyes and see the same eyes I've seen all the years of my life. But other than that, I'm a stranger to myself.
After all this, fast forward to super recently. I ended up having spine surgery a month ago (March 11th). This has changed the way I have to do things on a regular basis. I used to think that being a strong woman meant that I needed to not only be mentally strong, but I also thought it meant being physically strong. I used to carry 8 bags of trash out at a time. I used to carry both of my youngest children in my arms PLUS 8 bags of heavy groceries, all at the same time. I used to help my husband do every bit of outside work, especially the heavy stuff that he struggles with by himself. I used to try to do those things by myself so that my hubby would get home from work and be happy, because he would be able to relax once he got home. I can't lift like that any more, nor will I ever be able to. How this has changed me!!!!! It has really messed with my self-esteem!!!! It was one of the ways I showed love towards my husband, so I have had to change and find other things to replace that one thing that meant a lot to me.
Again, a few days ago, I was looking in the mirror. I just stared and stared and stared. I cried as I searched for the young girl I used to see and be. I couldn't find her or see her anywhere. I finally had to go away from the mirror and just start into my day with my regular chores. Still, the thought never left my mind that there was an old woman trapped inside my little ol' 35 year old self. The more I have thought about it though......I am ok with it. I am getting older. I am changing. I have been through so much in my life, most of only which my husband knows everything.
All this has been teaching me yet another lesson that has been humbling to me. I believe each and every person goes through so very much in their life. Most of us have no idea of what every stranger we come across has been through. There are so many people who have been through so much pain, so much struggle, so much heartache, so many trials, so many physical problems, so many mental problems.......If only we could look at a person's soul and try to see the person behind the eyes that are aging....the person behind the skin that is aging.....the person behind the imperfect smile............
I just genuinely LOVE people. I have learned so much, through my experiences, about my own vanity and about the way I love people. In my young adult years, there were several years where I was so focused on how I looked/how I was perceived physcially.....to where I didn't worry about what mattered. How I treated people that loved me and that I loved. Putting myself in their shoes and thinking about how they felt or how I was affecting them. I have changed. My heart has changed, my soul has changed, my life has changed. And it's all for the better. A LOT better.
Sometimes my soul is wrecked with pain when I think about the possible pain I caused people in my past. I don't believe there is anyone that holds anything against me, but.....I always think to myself......geeesh, if I could go back in time and affect the people I hurt in a positive way.....think how I could have maybe helped changed their world and bring happiness to their world. Think how I could have stopped a cycle of heartbreak.
It's just really, really interesting to learn as we go throughout this life. We all change based on our experiences. We all change based on our biggest struggles that we overcome. We all change based on self-reflecting on why we are the way we are. I think that MOST all of us do the best we can. I think that MOST all of us try our hardest to do the best we know how. I absolutely LOVE that life is literally an educational journey about insight into ourselves.....and finding out who we are and why we are here. My favorite part of life, as of recently, is all the lessons that have taught me how to be completely non-judgemental and how to love others, despite all of our amazing differences. Life is full of awesome, amazing people.....all around us.....and we are all on the same journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should all always be on the same team!!!!!!!!
Now, back to that old woman inside of me....Even though I still don't recognize her yet, I still love her and want to nourish the fact that she IS me and I AM her. :)
NOW, on to a different kind of OLD. This past 5 1/2 years, I have aged SO VERY MUCH! I am NOT the type of gal that looks in the mirror every day and really cares much about what I look like, but one thing I always did take pride in was my smile, because no matter what, I could share it with anybody. And it didn't matter if I was skinny or had gained weight and was bigger.....my smile was still the same. After I developed a very severe case of Bell's Palsy back in the year of 2012, I remember waking up and feeling super numb and in so much pain. I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and realized I had a big problem. Half of my face was paralyzed!!!!! My doctor said that the majority of people who end up with Bell's Palsy end up making a full recovery within a few months. It has been almost 2 years, and I still have not made a full recovery. I have definitely come a LONG way, but not even close to a full recovery. I still have a NOT full smile, I have to cover my mouth when I chew while eating so that food doesn't fall out, I still wake up with my eye completely swollen shut and lots of pain around the bone structures of the right side of my face (especially if I've been super stressed or if I'm super tired), my eye sometimes twitches out of nowhere, my eye sometimes weeps out of nowhere.....and on really bad days, when the right side of my face is super droopy, people stare and ask what's wrong (especially little children). While I have gotten used to other people's reactions and am at peace with what I have, it is my own thoughts I still have to get used to. I LOVE life and LOVE our world, and the way I show that is through my smile. To not be able to share my entire smile, especially when I am trying so hard to do so, is what kills me the most. Have you ever just sat and stared at yourself in the mirror SO LONG that you literally don't recognize yourself anymore????? On the rare occasion that I stop to look in a mirror, I don't even know who I see anymore. I see a woman who has aged SO VERY MUCH in the last 5 years. I see wrinkles in the creases of my eyes when I try to smile. I see bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I see pain from sometimes not knowing what to do to best help my children and to best help my husband. I am old. The weird thing is.....I'm ok with getting older, TRULY!!!! But I just want to look in the mirror and recognize myself. I look into my eyes and see the same eyes I've seen all the years of my life. But other than that, I'm a stranger to myself.
After all this, fast forward to super recently. I ended up having spine surgery a month ago (March 11th). This has changed the way I have to do things on a regular basis. I used to think that being a strong woman meant that I needed to not only be mentally strong, but I also thought it meant being physically strong. I used to carry 8 bags of trash out at a time. I used to carry both of my youngest children in my arms PLUS 8 bags of heavy groceries, all at the same time. I used to help my husband do every bit of outside work, especially the heavy stuff that he struggles with by himself. I used to try to do those things by myself so that my hubby would get home from work and be happy, because he would be able to relax once he got home. I can't lift like that any more, nor will I ever be able to. How this has changed me!!!!! It has really messed with my self-esteem!!!! It was one of the ways I showed love towards my husband, so I have had to change and find other things to replace that one thing that meant a lot to me.
Again, a few days ago, I was looking in the mirror. I just stared and stared and stared. I cried as I searched for the young girl I used to see and be. I couldn't find her or see her anywhere. I finally had to go away from the mirror and just start into my day with my regular chores. Still, the thought never left my mind that there was an old woman trapped inside my little ol' 35 year old self. The more I have thought about it though......I am ok with it. I am getting older. I am changing. I have been through so much in my life, most of only which my husband knows everything.
All this has been teaching me yet another lesson that has been humbling to me. I believe each and every person goes through so very much in their life. Most of us have no idea of what every stranger we come across has been through. There are so many people who have been through so much pain, so much struggle, so much heartache, so many trials, so many physical problems, so many mental problems.......If only we could look at a person's soul and try to see the person behind the eyes that are aging....the person behind the skin that is aging.....the person behind the imperfect smile............
I just genuinely LOVE people. I have learned so much, through my experiences, about my own vanity and about the way I love people. In my young adult years, there were several years where I was so focused on how I looked/how I was perceived physcially.....to where I didn't worry about what mattered. How I treated people that loved me and that I loved. Putting myself in their shoes and thinking about how they felt or how I was affecting them. I have changed. My heart has changed, my soul has changed, my life has changed. And it's all for the better. A LOT better.
Sometimes my soul is wrecked with pain when I think about the possible pain I caused people in my past. I don't believe there is anyone that holds anything against me, but.....I always think to myself......geeesh, if I could go back in time and affect the people I hurt in a positive way.....think how I could have maybe helped changed their world and bring happiness to their world. Think how I could have stopped a cycle of heartbreak.
It's just really, really interesting to learn as we go throughout this life. We all change based on our experiences. We all change based on our biggest struggles that we overcome. We all change based on self-reflecting on why we are the way we are. I think that MOST all of us do the best we can. I think that MOST all of us try our hardest to do the best we know how. I absolutely LOVE that life is literally an educational journey about insight into ourselves.....and finding out who we are and why we are here. My favorite part of life, as of recently, is all the lessons that have taught me how to be completely non-judgemental and how to love others, despite all of our amazing differences. Life is full of awesome, amazing people.....all around us.....and we are all on the same journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should all always be on the same team!!!!!!!!
Now, back to that old woman inside of me....Even though I still don't recognize her yet, I still love her and want to nourish the fact that she IS me and I AM her. :)
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