Memories
It's so strange to me how a little photo, or a little sound, or a little smell, or a little sight......can take you back to a great memory. Here I am, sitting in my little modest home........I have all the windows open on this warm day, and the breeze is blowing the curtains.
I also have on a little oscillating fan. The fan reminds me of my Grandma and Grandpa Franklin. Every time I would go to their house as a little girl, I remember they would have on a little oscillating fan, trying to keep cool. I LOVE the sight and sound of an oscillating fan, because it instantly takes my mind back to remembering them. I have great memories of sleeping in their camper trailer overnight. They kept it parked right next to their house, and us kids would sure get a kick out of it when we got to spend the night in it. I also remember that they always had a pretty fantastic garden. I would sneak out of their house and go lay in the garden and pick peas off and eat them. They also had a huge wooden bridge in their big back yard, and all of us kids liked to go play back there. We made up all kinds of games, all of which incorporated that bridge. I miss the smell of my Grandpa's car. Every once in awhile, on a Sunday, he would take me on a speaking assignment with him, for church. We would travel atleast an hour or so to get to wherever we were going. Usually it was a hot day when I'd go with him, so I remember the smell of the air conditioner in his car when it first got turned on. To this day, that smell still takes me back to those great times. Also, he had those old fashioned cup holders that you would hang on the door of your car.....and he would always get me a soda pop. Usually Dr. Pepper. It was considered quite the treat to me in those days.
What got me thinking about all of this??? Well, today, I was looking at some old photo's. I stopped and paused for a long moment on one of them. It was of my mother. She was holding my daughter that I had just given birth to. Keep in mind, this picture was from almost 14 years ago. I remember, in that picture, she was supposed to have been going to a very important doctor's appointment in Iowa City, but she called the doctor's and told them she wouldn't be there, because I was more important. She knew I was going to be in the delivery room by myself, giving birth, and come heck or high water, she wasn't going to miss being there. Turns out, my daughter was the first and only grandchild she would ever get to hold & touch in this life. And even then, it was only for a few months.
As I was looking at the photo, I stared long and hard into her eyes. I could see huge bags under her eyes from being so tired....so exhausted. She was wearing a brand new pair of pink pajama's. She had wanted to buy a really comfortable pair of pajama's for a really long time.....for all her hospital stays, when she was getting chemotherapy. I never knew my mom to buy anything for herself, EVER, so I was so excited that she actually bought herself a pair of pajama's. They were from Wal-Mart, so super cheap, but still.....they made her happy and comfortable.
I could see the wrinkles on her face.....the lines from stress, frustration, loneliness, happiness, sadness, laughter, despair, agony, joy......every emotion was written on her face. I could see her smile.....one that was absolutely genuine, but overwhelmed with tiredness.
I could see all kinds of marks and bruises on her body, from the hundreds of times they had to poke her with needles. I could see the gauze covering a spot on her chest, from where they kept a port.
I could see the tiny bit of hair that she had.......She had tried to color it, but it still showed some thin, grey hair coming through.
I hope that you are all good to your mother's. I hope that you spend time with them and realize what you have by having them in this life with you still. I hope you realize that you are so blessed to have their friendships and guidance.
I know soooooooo many people that have things a MILLION times worse than me!!! That being said, I was far too young when I lost my mom. I was 20 years old and had just had my first baby 3 months prior to her passing. She was only 42. It took me a long time to realize my mom wasn't going to come back. Growing up, we are never taught about what would happen if Mom would die. That was just never an option. Mom would ALWAYS be around. Mom would always "fix" everything. Even after she told us that she was really sick and had cancer, I thought.....well, "She will be ok. She's a fighter. She'll be around for a long time still."
Turns out, she WAS a fighter. She fought and fought and fought.....and gave that cancer the fight of her life.
Cancer infuriates me. It gives me great sadness. All these years later, to hear of OTHER people's struggles with cancer, it still infuriates me that people have to go through that. That families have to lose their parents/mothers/dads/brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/children. That children have to grow up without their mom or dad. It's just not right. I truly try to focus NOT on death, but on the life someone lived. Somedays it is just still really hard.
I still needed my mother. My brothers and sisters all still needed her. My Dad still needed her. Her brothers and sisters still needed her. Her parents still needed her. Her friends still needed her. Her work still needed her. The world still needed her. All I can think about when I have really, really, really rough times and rough days....is how I wish I had her just to hug....or to cry on....or to laugh with. She told the best jokes and I would literally be on the floor laughing out of control.
I always have to assume that she must have had a greater calling.....a greater purpose.....In Heaven. That's what everyone tells me anyway. But lots of days, it is hard to believe that she had a greater purpose than being here for her 11 children, all of whom were very, very young still.
I miss her. I miss her greatly. I do believe in something greater than this life, and I choose to believe that she is preparing a home for us wherever she is at. With her love for children, I know she is helping children too.
I am so grateful for special moments and times, where I can feel her around. Where I get special memories of her. Where I am reminded that she really isn't so far away.
I love when I smell all the lilacs in our yard. They were one of her favorite smells. I love when I smell perfume that smell like the ones she wore. I love wearing her necklace at special events, to feel like she is a part of me. I love voicing my opinion, even to doctor's, because she taught me that ALL people are JUST PEOPLE. Nobody is greater than anyone else. Ever. I love hearing songs on the radio that she used to sing....ones I used to roll my eyes at when I was little. lol. I love the smell of making fudge at Christmas, because that's one of the things she made every year with us. I remember too, that on New Years Eve, we never had money to do anything, but she would make it special for us by letting us put glittery confetti on the ceiling fans....and then when New Years would hit, we'd turn on the fans and the confetti would fly everywhere. I remember she would always make us matching dresses for church, so I'll even see patterns that remind me of something she would have picked out. I remember her love for puppies. I remember her love for taking drives in the country. I remember her love for Gardetto's. I remember her going and buying stuff for her lunches at County Market. She worked 3rd shift at the Hospital. I remember her love of wanting to feed/help the missionaries. I remember her teaching us how to sing.....and putting us in piano lessons.....and putting us in violin lessons. I remember her allowing us to pick out a new instrument to play once we hit 5th grade. She always, always, always made a way for us to excel in music. I still don't know how she did it.
Take pause and remember how much you genuinely love those around you, especially those that are closest to you. You wife, your husband, your children, your parents, you grandparents. You just never, ever, ever, ever know when anybody's time to leave this world will come. Until then, all we can do is focus on making amazing memories. Realize what you have right in front of you, before it's too late. LOVE each other. Help each other. Help ease each other's burdens. Do service for those that need it.
When you see those that have huge bags under their eyes, and stress lines all over their face, be creative and think of something to do to put some light in their life. You just never, ever, ever, ever know how much a little bit of LOVE can do for someone.
I know this is an old photo, but LOOK AT THE LEGACY SHE LEFT!!!!!!!!! It has all of us kids in it. And her first grandchild, Madison. And my Dad. :)
I LOVE YOU ALL.
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