Goldie : : : A Blog to Inspire, Motivate, Share, Create & Provoke Thought ❤❤❤: I Used To Think I Was Strong.....Then I Became A Mother

When I was a kid, I could do ANYTHING. I told myself I could FLY, I could jump off bridges, I could grow up to be an anasthesiologist, I could swim with snakes, I could run all day AND all night, I could build things, I could help friends when they were struggling, I could eat cookies and not gain any weight, I could go to bed at night and not have nightmares, I could wrap my hands around my mother's waist and feel like she would ALWAYS be there for me.
In my teenage years, I lived through crushes, a first love, six brothers & four sisters, a car accident, drum corps international, early morning jazz band practices, cross country, getting in trouble for coming home too late after dates, etc. In my adult years so far, I have lived through spine surgery, five miscarriages, getting stranded on the sides of roads a few times, losing my mother to cancer when I was 20, moving a few times, being a single mom for lots of years, etc. I have lived through so much in my short life already.....some good things....some bad things.....and some things only I will ever know about. All in all, I'm so grateful to have gone through everything I've gone through, because I am very happy with the person I have become, especially on the inside. I am very compassionate towards others & I constantly want to help others, because I know what it's like to go through really hard times and to feel all alone. Sometimes, even if you know you have a big family....or you have great neighbors....or you have a few good friends.....It is still very hard. Even if you feel completely blessed. I used to think I was strong. I used to think I could always come out on top after ANYTHING. I used to think my heart was strong. I used to think strength was a matter of outer strength instead of inner strength. I never used to understand why I would see my mother cry sometimes. I never understood why she would get so emotional about pretty much EVERYTHING with us kids. I couldn't understand why she cared so much about all of us. Then........I became a mother.
When you become a mother, your entire being changes. Your entire heart changes. Your entire brain changes. All of a sudden, you have a person or people that you would literally die for. No questions asked. That first moment you hold their itty-bitt hand in your big hand....and when you hear their first cries and shivers....and when you snuggle them heart to heart for the first time after birth.....They HAVE you. They are perfect.   So many times, I have asked myself what it is that I have done so right in order to get the blessing of having such amazing children. They truly are my everything.
Yesterday, I spent the entire day and night in the hospital with my son (unexpectedly). He ended up having to have emergency surgery after a long day of not knowing what was wrong. I have had other kids in the hospital before and I've had other kids in lots of pain before.....but I must be getting old or my heart must be getting softer.....because my heart was just dying inside. (Who am I kidding? My heart is dying inside ANY time ANY of my children have been in this kind of a situation!!!) When you have 5 or 6 people holding your 2 year old down just to get an IV in his hand and you can hear him screaming for a solid 15 minutes after he just screamed and cryed the whole day because he is scared and hurting.....man, talk about killing me inside. When they let me carry him back into the surgery room, looking so small in his big comfy blanket......my heart just tore in two when I had to hand him over to another lady to take him. I caught my son's eyes & his sweet little bottom lip stuck out because he was sad and scared and didn't understand what they were going to do to him. He looked at me like, "Please don't leave me". Then, of course, they had me leave so they could do his surgery. :(   To think of my babe lyin' on a big surgery table, scared....wanting his Momma....just breaks me. While I was sitting in the patient room they assigned us to, I was all alone for awhile, and the stress of trying to be strong throughout the day caught up to me. I sat in the corner of the big hospital room and noticed tears slipping down my cheeks. When I realized that, I told myself to pull it together and be strong. :) I got a few texts from neighbors, and each one of them made me smile.
My Dad called & that made me smile. He has always been a greath strength to me.   Next thing I knew, there was my cute 4 year old, Journee, coming into the hospital room.....and she had a treat for me, since I had been too stressed to eat all day. It was a cute lil' 70 calorie pack of beef jerky and a little carton of 2% milk. Sooo cute!!!! (I put a picture at the bottom!!!)
Anyway.....Since becoming a mother, these are the things I realize: 1) Even though I'm a perfectionist, I AM HUMAN, and I'm always going to make lots and lots and lots of mistakes. 2) I am ALWAYS learning!!!!! 3) I will always do the best I know how to do......but sometimes, I just don't know how to do things 4) My heart overflows with love constantly from my children.....and I can also feel it literally hurting when my children are suffering 5) I would take the place of ANY of my children when ANY of them are suffering or hurting 6) Children are so naturally loving. They are SO EASY to love!!!!!! Even if it weren't easy to love them, I still would love them with all that I have. 7) I am tired, exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed & emotional.....a lot.....but it is for the best cause EVER. I cherish my role as a mother. 8) I am not strong. I just pretend to be strong, because I don't know what else to do. 9) I need a hug. 10)  Having my children will always, always, always be the greatest thing I ever did in this life. 11) When any of my children are hurting, I hurt just as much. 12) I don't have all the answers. Not even close. 13) I now understand trial and error! 14) Watching any of them sleep MELTS ME inside!!!! 15) I am starting to make sense of life because of my kids. EVERYTHING has more meaning now!!!!! EVERYTHING!!! Bugs are cuter, flowers are brighter, rain is FUN and HAPPY, mountains are glorious, hiking is adventurous, traveling is a great chance to rock out to the radio, the grass is greener.....and every toy you see, you want to buy, just to see them smile. hahahahaha 16) My kids always needing me secretly makes me really, really happy. Can't imagine my life without them always needing me. 17) Cleaning never stops. EVER. Not even for a couple hours. 18) My brain will always hurt from thinking of everything I could and should be doing better.....but I also know I'm doing the best I can. 19) Sleep is for the birds.
Children are amazing little beings. They are absolutely precious. So innocent. So sweet. So willing to be open to learning. So trusting. The fact that God trusted me with raising these amazing little people is just awesome. I may get stressed, but I will always be so beyond grateful for having the greatest kids.....the kids who I was meant to have. I love them so much it really does hurt!!! I hope, more than anything, that when they are older and married with their own kids, they will look back and think of their Mom with a smile.....and think, "Wow, I had a Mom that loved me more than anything."