What's In A Season???

Good afternoon, everyone!  :)
SO....the weather has been going absolutely CRAZY out here lately!  First, we had fantastic spring-like weather for a few weeks & now it is cold...more like winter again.  Still, it is beautiful outside and the sun is shining.  I love to soak up the beauty of each day, regardless of whatever kind of weather it ends up being. 
I just want to take a moment to talk about my love for each of the four seasons we have.....spring, fall, winter & summer.  There is something so special about each one.....and anytime I take a moment to think about WHY I love them, I smile.  Inside each season is a gift of warmth, comfort & something magical to enjoy.
Let's start with my favorite season.  FALL.  Literally EVERYTHING about fall is magical to me.  I love the cozy feeling of wearing hooded sweatshirts or flannel button-ups every day.  They are good enough to keep you warm, yet light enough to where you can still feel that amazing fall air on your skin.  The fall season SMELLS amazing.  Inside my house during the fall, I'm always baking things that smell like apple-cinnamon and pumpkin spice.  I usually have the windows atleast cracked to where I get a little smell of that fall breeze coming in the window.  It makes me happy.  :)  Then outside, when I think of fall, I think of bonfires & campfires.....I think of the smell of wood....I think of the smell of amazing, cool, crisp air....I think of the sound of football games....I think of the smell of the tractor as my hubby does work on it.....I think of the feel of the breeze blowing through my hair as I drive out in the country....I think of hay rides....I think of pumpkin patches....I think of corn mazes....I think of all the cute little kids trick-or-treating....I think of homemade cinnamon apple cider....I think of homemade chili simmering all day.....I think of snuggling under a cozy blanket during the cool nights in the back of an old truck underneath the stars.  I think of HUNTING & hiking.  I think of the sound and smell of crunchy leaves.  I think of the smell of burning leaves.
My next favorite season.  SPRING.  When I think of spring, I think of one word.  LIFE.  Life comes into everything and everything starts fresh and new.  Everything has been hibernating all winter & so I wait with great anticipation to see and smell everything again that spring brings.  My favorite smell of spring is SOIL.  I have come to really like planting trees and flowers and gardens.....so spring is the time for all of that!  The first time my hands get to dig in the soil each year is one of my favorite times.  Mmmmm.  Spring rain is also one of my favorite things.  Rain gives everything a huge drink to be able to grow.  It's pretty awesome!  And rain is just so soothing!!!!  And geesh, it smells so good!!!!  If it ever rains in the spring, I always, always, always open the windows so that the smell overtakes the house......and then this momma is a happy, happy, happy momma!!!!!  :)  I love watching trees bud in the spring.  It's a pretty cool process.  I love watching the things I plant grow....TRUE MAGIC!!!  It still stuns me every year that I can plant things and then they grow, with just a little bit of lovin'!  :)  I relate certain things to spring, like my favorite mini Brach's jelly beans & Whoppers Robin Eggs.  I can see something simple in a gas station like a peanut butter cup shaped like an Easter duck or an Easter egg & it totally makes me smile.  Super cute. 
Next.  SUMMER.  The season of being and feeling carefree & light!!!  This is the best time of year for my kids, because we can pretty much be outside ALL the time.....day and night.  Summer nights smell amazing.....and it stays light outside till quite late.  I think of lightning bugs (it's a midwest thing!)....I think of camping & camp fires....I think of making smores and hot dogs....I think of swimming in the lake....I think of getting dirty everyday and LOVING it....I think of taking drives up into the mountains to get pictures of glorious, sunny days.  I think of hiking.  I think of popsicles.  I think of county fairs.  I think of rodeos.  I think of the circus.  I think of hot days and perfect, beautiful nights.  I think of being barefoot in lush, green grass.  I think of wearing flip-flops.  I think of exercising OUTSIDE every day.  I think of perfect corn on the cob and beautiful, tasty watermelon.  I think of yielding the results of our gardening from the spring.  I think of bow hunting for elk.  I think of the joy on my kids faces when I watch them play outside in the gorgeous weather.  I think of local parks and wedding venues.  I think of how beautiful the super early mornings are....when the rest of the world seems to be sleeping.
Last.  WINTER.  The season where the world seems to go to sleep for awhile.  My favorite time in the winter is when I drive up into the tops of the mountains WHILE it is snowing.  It is so perfect.  So magical.  So beautiful.  So dreamy.  When you're up there by yourself, I swear you can actually HEAR the gentle snow falling and kissing the earth as it hits the ground.  You can look into the trees and see nothing but a calmness.  Everything is dark, yet still light.  Everything stands still.   When I think of my favorite things during the winter season, I would say they are these things: sledding with my kids, drinking super hot cocoa after coming in from shoveling, making snow angels, taking walks in the snow, cozying up on the couch under big blankets with the big picture window curtains open so that I can watch the snow fall, listening to old Christmas music and country Christmas music, baking sugar cookies and making homemade caramels, the smell of winter air, the look of ice crystals hanging from the house, Christmas lights, Holiday music playing everywhere (sorry, yes, I'm one of those who really enjoys it!!), family movies playing on tv all the time, the smell of gingerbread, a beautiful hot shower after outside evening chores are done, building snowmen and Christmas caroling.
There is SO much more I could say about EVERY season, but I'm limited on time & this is a start.  I just love the smell of every season and the feel the each season brings.  Each season also has the magic ability and power of making me super reminiscent of certain times and things.  LOVE THAT, because in most cases, it's usually a great memory.
Anyhow, OPEN YOUR EYES and take notice of all the beauty around us.  It doesn't matter how bad your day is.  No matter what, we can ALWAYS find beauty if we are open to finding it and seeing it.  You don't even need to look that hard or look that far.   Seasons are POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I Used To Think I Was Strong.....Then I Became A Mother

When I was a kid, I could do ANYTHING.  I told myself I could FLY, I could jump off bridges, I could grow up to be an anasthesiologist, I could swim with snakes, I could run all day AND all night, I could build things, I could help friends when they were struggling, I could eat cookies and not gain any weight, I could go to bed at night and not have nightmares, I could wrap my hands around my mother's waist and feel like she would ALWAYS be there for me.
In my teenage years, I lived through crushes, a first love, six brothers & four sisters, a car accident, drum corps international, early morning jazz band practices, cross country, getting in trouble for coming home too late after dates, etc.  In my adult years so far, I have lived through spine surgery, five miscarriages, getting stranded on the sides of roads a few times, losing my mother to cancer when I was 20, moving a few times, being a single mom for lots of years, etc.  I have lived through so much in my short life already.....some good things....some bad things.....and some things only I will ever know about.  All in all, I'm so grateful to have gone through everything I've gone through, because I am very happy with the person I have become, especially on the inside.  I am very compassionate towards others & I constantly want to help others, because I know what it's like to go through really hard times and to feel all alone.  Sometimes, even if you know you have a big family....or you have great neighbors....or you have a few good friends.....It is still very hard.  Even if you feel completely blessed.  I used to think I was strong.  I used to think I could always come out on top after ANYTHING.  I used to think my heart was strong.  I used to think strength was a matter of outer strength instead of inner strength.  I never used to understand why I would see my mother cry sometimes.  I never understood why she would get so emotional about pretty much EVERYTHING with us kids.  I couldn't understand why she cared so much about all of us.  Then........I became a mother.
When you become a mother, your entire being changes.  Your entire heart changes.  Your entire brain changes.  All of a sudden, you have a person or people that you would literally die for.  No questions asked.  That first moment you hold their itty-bitt hand in your big hand....and when you hear their first cries and shivers....and when you snuggle them heart to heart for the first time after birth.....They HAVE you.  They are perfect.   So many times, I have asked myself what it is that I have done so right in order to get the blessing of having such amazing children.  They truly are my everything.
Yesterday, I spent the entire day and night in the hospital with my son (unexpectedly).  He ended up having to have emergency surgery after a long day of not knowing what was wrong.  I have had other kids in the hospital before and I've had other kids in lots of pain before.....but I must be getting old or my heart must be getting softer.....because my heart was just dying inside.  (Who am I kidding? My heart is dying inside ANY time ANY of my children have been in this kind of a situation!!!)  When you have 5 or 6 people holding your 2 year old down just to get an IV in his hand and you can hear him screaming for a solid 15 minutes after he just screamed and cryed the whole day because he is scared and hurting.....man, talk about killing me inside.  When they let me carry him back into the surgery room, looking so small in his big comfy blanket......my heart just tore in two when I had to hand him over to another lady to take him.  I caught my son's eyes & his sweet little bottom lip stuck out because he was sad and scared and didn't understand what they were going to do to him.  He looked at me like, "Please don't leave me".  Then, of course, they had me leave so they could do his surgery.  :(   To think of my babe lyin' on a big surgery table, scared....wanting his Momma....just breaks me.  While I was sitting in the patient room they assigned us to, I was all alone for awhile, and the stress of trying to be strong throughout the day caught up to me.  I sat in the corner of the big hospital room and noticed tears slipping down my cheeks.  When I realized that, I told myself to pull it together and be strong.  :)  I got a few texts from neighbors, and each one of them made me smile.
My Dad called & that made me smile.  He has always been a greath strength to me.   Next thing I knew, there was my cute 4 year old, Journee, coming into the hospital room.....and she had a treat for me, since I had been too stressed to eat all day.  It was a cute lil' 70 calorie pack of beef jerky and a little carton of 2% milk.  Sooo cute!!!!  (I put a picture at the bottom!!!)
Anyway.....Since becoming a mother, these are the things I realize: 1) Even though I'm a perfectionist, I AM HUMAN, and I'm always going to make lots and lots and lots of mistakes.  2) I am ALWAYS learning!!!!!  3) I will always do the best I know how to do......but sometimes, I just don't know how to do things  4) My heart overflows with love constantly from my children.....and I can also feel it literally hurting when my children are suffering  5) I would take the place of ANY of my children when ANY of them are suffering or hurting  6) Children are so naturally loving.  They are SO EASY to love!!!!!!  Even if it weren't easy to love them, I still would love them with all that I have.  7) I am tired, exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed & emotional.....a lot.....but it is for the best cause EVER.  I cherish my role as a mother.  8) I am not strong.  I just pretend to be strong, because I don't know what else to do.  9)  I need a hug.  10)  Having my children will always, always, always be the greatest thing I ever did in this life.  11) When any of my children are hurting, I hurt just as much.  12) I don't have all the answers.  Not even close.  13) I now understand trial and error!  14) Watching any of them sleep MELTS ME inside!!!!  15) I am starting to make sense of life because of my kids.  EVERYTHING has more meaning now!!!!!  EVERYTHING!!!  Bugs are cuter, flowers are brighter, rain is FUN and HAPPY, mountains are glorious, hiking is adventurous, traveling is a great chance to rock out to the radio, the grass is greener.....and every toy you see, you want to buy, just to see them smile.  hahahahaha  16) My kids always needing me secretly makes me really, really happy.  Can't imagine my life without them always needing me.  17) Cleaning never stops.  EVER.  Not even for a couple hours.  18) My brain will always hurt from thinking of everything I could and should be doing better.....but I also know I'm doing the best I can.  19) Sleep is for the birds. 
Children are amazing little beings.  They are absolutely precious.  So innocent.  So sweet.  So willing to be open to learning.  So trusting.  The fact that God trusted me with raising these amazing little people is just awesome.  I may get stressed, but I will always be so beyond grateful for having the greatest kids.....the kids who I was meant to have.  I love them so much it really does hurt!!!  I hope, more than anything, that when they are older and married with their own kids, they will look back and think of their Mom with a smile.....and think, "Wow, I had a Mom that loved me more than anything."

                                                      My sweet Madz

 

My Sweet Journee

 

My Sweet Hudson right before surgery yesterday.

 

My sweet Finnlee  :)

 

The treat that Journee brought me to eat  :)

 

 

 

Marriage: Fight or Flight?

I have to apologize in advance.  I tend to shoot from the hip when it comes to writing, instead of taking a long time to think about things before I write.   With that being said, here goes.....
MARRIAGE.
Marriage is such a full word.  Sometimes heavy, sometimes light.  A good thing to some, a not-so-good thing to others.  A thing that some people are drawn to & that others are fearful of.  After having been married now for close to 6 1/2 years (and I know that's NOTHING compared to all the sweet ol' couples who have been together for, like, 50 years!!!).....I have learned a lot about marriage.  Some good, some bad, some ugly, some beautiful.    :)
Growing up as a kid, especially as a little girl, I remember that every friend I ever had dreamed about their future wedding day.  And dreamed about meeting Mr. Perfect.  And dreamed about what their wedding dress would look like.  And dreamed about how many children they would have.  And dreamed about sittin' on the front porch on a porch swing living happily ever after.  :)  Oh yeah, don't forget the lemonade with ice in it.  And cookies.  And cows in the pasture and chickens on the lawn.  Come on, you know you had that dream.....  :)
Well, as a teenager, I flip-flopped back and forth over not knowing what I wanted. (SHOCKING, right?!)  hahahaha  :)  I had a couple boyfriends who were SO good to me & because of them, they are ultimately the reason why I began to have thoughts about the "dream" of marriage and the future.  I had some weeks where I couldn't wait to become a "business woman" and make tons and tons of money so that I could buy whatever I wanted.  I had some weeks where I had the typical female dream of wanting what everyone else wanted......a cute, tall, dark, handsome man....to be loved every day....a porch swing.....and maybe a kid or two thrown in there somewhere.   ;)
As a married adult right now (35 years young!), I take note of the CMT channel playing at the gym in the early mornings.  Country music is my favorite....always has been.  There are certain artists in the country world that just really speak to my heart and send a good message.....and remind me what life is about.  What's the point of this?  Well, the CMT channel plays the video's that the artists have made to go with their songs.  In a lot of the songs, they have these perfect love scenes.....either inside or outside.  The inside ones are beautiful, perfect lighting, perfect bodies, perfect landscapes outside the windows.....and you get a big jolt of the electricity that happens between love & desire & passion & lust......between 2 beautiful people.  The outside ones are equally as beautiful....with the perfect country setting, the cutest old trucks, adorable farms, perfect lighting, perfect bodies....and you get the feeling of freedom, fun, adventure, joy, happiness & everything perfect that goes along with the word LOVE.  Again.  The dream.  The fairytale, right?
So, most of you already know.....I write songs.  The first FULL song I wrote was shortly after my Mom died & I still haven't shared it with anyone, not even my husband.  (Sorry, babe!!)  :)  Well, Journee & Hudson have heard me play it and sing it several times.....but they're an easy audience.  :)  They think anything of mine is fabulous, thank goodness!  SO, it is kind of a little secret of mine right now (or NOT so secret now!) that I want to write a country song & make a special video with it that entails something kind of like what MY life is like.  You may ask, "What does that mean?"   And I'll tell you back that I'm not quite sure, but it for sure isn't like most videos I see.   Mine would have my kids bangin' on the bedroom door and/or breakin' in when Mommy & Daddy are trying to get a little lovin' (sorry if I offend anyone, but hey, all you married people know EXACTLY what I'm talkin' about.....It is what it is....there's LOTS of quickies in marriage when you have small children!!!).....and I would include footage of me constantly falling asleep on the couch with 3 small children in my arms.....and I would include the baby puking all over my church outfit after I finally was able to spend 20 minutes getting myself ready (just to be able to now NOT go or to have to go change my clothes again).  I love real life stuff.  The nitty gritty.  It's so hard, but it's so real.....and because it's so real, it's beautiful to me.  The hard stuff is how I learn.  Don't get me wrong, I (just like anyone), dream about amazing romance just like the video's show....and I dream about making love in all kinds of perfect places (or for ANY place kid-free for that matter).....and I dream about all the perfect scenario's that a sometimes single life can bring......but then again.....
I always come back to what I have. 
I have four beautiful children who are my life! They were made in and through LOVE.   Even though they can totally ruin romantic moments, they are soooo beyond worth it.  And please tell me they'll outgrow this being small stage, right?!  :)  But do I REALLY want them to grow up and get older?!!  :(  They are so precious!  When I look at my kids, all I can think about it LOVE.   They ARE love.  What else do I have?  I have a husband that I have caught several times shootin' me a cute grin when he catches my eye while he's on the tractor working.  I have seen him eyeing me and checking me out when he doesn't know I saw him.  I have seen him make me dinner SEVERAL times.  I have seen him build me things.  I have seen him work extra hours to make ends meet.  I was told that he cried when we had our first really bad miscarriage.....but he stepped out, because he didn't want me to see him crying, because he wanted to be strong for me in my super weak moment.  I have seen him sneak into the shower some days just to get a "feel" and to give me a good hug.....AND to TALK away from the kids.  (Trust me all you young ones....the shower is sometimes the only place to talk).  :)   I have a perfect, beautiful landscape to wake up to every single morning & to go to bed to every single night.  Seriously, it truly is stunning!  I have craziness in this house, but lots of happiness.  I have very energetic kids who don't understand the meaning of "mommy needs a break", but I have HEALTHY children & that will always be the most important thing to me.  I have a small, modest house....yet it is all I want, need & desire.  I'm just not into all those new houses that are built that all look the same.  (Nothing against those of you who live in them and like them....they're just not my thing!)  :)   And my small house means that we're always a really CLOSE family.  My teenager would say "TOO CLOSE!!!", but I love that we're close. 
Ok, so, what is my point and why was this post titled "Marriage: Fight or Flight?"  Well.... Ok.  So.  I'm just gonna say it.....MARRIAGE IS SO FREAKING HARD.  It is.  It's the truth!  And it will constantly go back and forth from hard.....to awesome.  Crazy to perfect.  Insane to beautiful.  Hmm....To blend two adult personalities and try to meld together a lifetime of learned habits/thinkings/schedules/routines from both parties......man, it is hard.  I personally felt like I went straight from being a little girl to being an adult with serious responsibilites!  I mean, I woke up one day and there was a MAN in my bed!!!  (oh yeah, I'm married....When did that happen?!!)  :)  But then I realize, we're ALL little girls and little boys, just inside bodies that unfortunately grow!  Being an adult is difficult!!!
We all always have a choice in marriage....throughout our whole marriage.  We can choose to wake up every day and fight a good, worthy fight for our marriage....or we can fly.  We can run away from it all.  I know an overwhelming number of friends/people that want to get divorced due to the feeling of no more romance in their marriage.  They think it's gone.  They think their husband or wife doesn't love them anymore.  They think their husband or wife doesn't find them attractive anymore.  They no longer make love.  They no longer make time for themselves together away from the kids.  They are overwhelmed by the stresses of life. 
Marriage is not something I was taught a ton about, I just remember my parents always wanted the best for us & they obviously wanted us to marry someone that would be good to us.  But when it comes to marriage, for ME anyway, I was like a deer in the headlights when I got married.  All of a sudden, you get married.....and you're on a honeymoon.....and you're in a beautiful hotel room with a man.  Whoa.  I went back and forth from thinking "this is AWESOME!!!" to "this is crazy" to "this is weird" to "this is FUN!!!!" to "this is hilarious" to "ummmmm".  :)
Again, what is my point.....
We, as a culture, do talk about the "dream" of an amazing wedding a LOT to teens....but I'm hoping we can all do better of portraying what a REAL, NORMAL marriage is like.....especially after the hub-bub of the wedding is done and after the "honeymoon stage".  When marriage gets tough (which it will), fight through.  Remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Remember why you chose each other.  Remember that this person wanted you over anyone else.  Do things for each other constantly.  Almost always, what you give, you will get back!!!!!!!!!!!  Don't forget that!!! 
Along with all of that, don't forget that there is no perfect marriage.  EVERY marriage takes lots and lots and lots and lots of work, patience, understanding, compassion, goals, etc.  AND....there are so many things that go on behind closed doors in a marriage.  What I mean by that is.....Someone can seem perfectly happy from outside appearances, but could maybe be dying inside due to domestic abuse.  Someone can be funny and make jokes a lot, so you think they're super happy, but inside, they're crumbling and making jokes because they don't want to talk about the bad stuff.....because they hurt THAT much.  If you know about these situations, BE THERE for those people!!!!  And if you are one of those people, PLEASE know that you can write me with the promise of complete confidentiality.  I have a good listening ear.   
In MOST normal situations with marriage, I would almost always choose to FIGHT.....Because the blessings of marriage and children are amazing, even with all the added craziness it can add to an already crazy, hard life. 
Please understand.....when I write these blogs, I'm writing mostly to myself.  :)  Always.  :)
Here's something I really like.....

This beautiful morning & Spice Cake!

Good afternoon!!!  :)  It was an absolutely GORGEOUS morning today!  I left to go to the gym at 4:30 this morning & the moon was SO FULL and SO BRIGHT....it was GORGEOUS!  Usually I take a flashlight out with me in the mornings since I sneak out the back door so I don't wake my kids up.  It's usually so DARK, but no flashlight was needed today!!!  (The flashlight is something I started using ever since the day I almost stepped on a cougar early in the morning a few weeks ago).  Anyway, got home from the gym.....took a lovely shower and got ready for the day.....made breakfast for the kids.....then stepped out on the deck to take a picture of the gorgeous morning blooming before my eyes.....

I made a spice cake not too long ago.  For the recipe, you can use any spice cake recipe you want (or even a box mix)  ;) .........but I decided to try a new homemade frosting recipe & it turned out to be DIVINE.  Here's a picture of how my Spice Cake turned out.  (It was requested to be made by Journee)  :)  

Here is where I got the frosting recipe - It's amazing.  All my kids loved it and my husband loved it as well:  http://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com/2010/09/frosting-that-will-get-you-hugs-and.html

Have a wonderful day!  :)

Two fantastic recipes that get requested a lot.... :)

Two of my favorite recipes:  Amazing chocolate cake & My Mom's Stroganoff. 
And ahem.....You're welcome.  ;)  You will thank me later. 

My Mom's Stroganoff:
For the rice, I just use a rice cooker, so it's super easy! And instead of regular white rice, I use Basmati white rice (I get it at walmart). While the rice is cooking, I make the sauce to go over it. First, I cook a pound of lean beef. Drain it. Then put the beef into a pan. You'll add 3 regular sized cans of cream of mushroom soup and a 16 ounce container of sour cream & about 1/2 cup to 1 cup of milk (I use whole, but you can use anything but skim). I personally use about 1 cup of milk. Cook all that on medium heat, stirring quite often. Just keep stirring until it's all thinned out and hot!!! That's it! Then just pour it over your rice and enjoy! It's so, so, so, so good!!!!!!!! Here are the end results:

Amazing Chocolate Cake:

First, melt 1 cup butter or margarine (I used margarine) in a pan with 1 cup of water.

 

In a separate bowl, mix together 2 cups sugar, 2 cups flour & 1/2 cups cocoa. Take the water/butter mixture off the heat. Pour the sugar/flour/cocoa mixture into the water/butter mixture and mix.

 

Beat in 2 eggs, 1/2 cup buttermilk, 1 teaspoon baking soda & 1 teaspoon vanilla.

 

Bake at 375 in a large, greased jellyroll pan for 20-25 minutes. (Mine is always done in 20 minutes).

 

Cover with frosting WHILE HOT!!!!!!

 

Here is the frosting recipe:

 

Mix together: 1 stick of melted margarine, 3 Tablespoons of cocoa, 1/4 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1/8 teaspoon of salt & 3 1/2 cups of powdered sugar. Once it's all mixed together, frost the cake. Remember, you want to do it while it's hot.

Here's the end results:

 

 

 

 

The Old Woman Inside My Little Ol' 35 Year Old Self - Written April 25, 2014

The Old Woman Inside My Little Ol' 35 Year Old Self

 

I have an old soul.  Always have and I imagine I always will.  I have never really felt like I have fit in with the "my age" crowd.  In fact, I don't know that I fit in pretty much ANYWHERE in society.  I get along with all types of people and can manage conversations with anyone.  I can be very social, but that doesn't mean that I feel like I fit in.   I don't like to party and never have liked it, I don't drink, I LOVE being alone in nature, I am kind of a homebody since I got married (cause I LOVE being with my children!!!!), I don't really care at all about style or dressing super nice......etc.   On the other hand, I feel at ease when I see and talk to elderly people.  I love their stories.....love their wisdom.....love their history.....love their honesty....love their pride.....love their simpleness.   I think that's why I loved being a CNA.  Most days, I was taking care of elderly, and I truly just LOVED taking care of them.  I felt like I fit right in, and most times, I could feel they were comfortable with me helping them so much.
NOW, on to a different kind of OLD.  This past 5 1/2 years, I have aged SO VERY MUCH!   I am NOT the type of gal that looks in the mirror every day and really cares much about what I look like, but one thing I always did take pride in was my smile, because no matter what, I could share it with anybody.  And it didn't matter if I was skinny or had gained weight and was bigger.....my smile was still the same.   After I developed a very severe case of Bell's Palsy back in the year of 2012, I remember waking up and feeling super numb and in so much pain.  I went in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and realized I had a big problem.  Half of my face was paralyzed!!!!!   My doctor said that the majority of people who end up with Bell's Palsy end up making a full recovery within a few months.  It has been almost 2 years, and I still have not made a full recovery.  I have definitely come a LONG way, but not even close to a full recovery.  I still have a NOT full smile, I have to cover my mouth when I chew while eating so that food doesn't fall out, I still wake up with my eye completely swollen shut and lots of pain around the bone structures of the right side of my face (especially if I've been super stressed or if I'm super tired), my eye sometimes twitches out of nowhere, my eye sometimes weeps out of nowhere.....and on really bad days, when the right side of my face is super droopy, people stare and ask what's wrong (especially little children).  While I have gotten used to other people's reactions and am at peace with what I have, it is my own thoughts I still have to get used to.   I LOVE life and LOVE our world, and the way I show that is through my smile.  To not be able to share my entire smile, especially when I am trying so hard to do so, is what kills me the most.  Have you ever just sat and stared at yourself in the mirror SO LONG that you literally don't recognize yourself anymore?????  On the rare occasion that I stop to look in a mirror, I don't even know who I see anymore.  I see a woman who has aged SO VERY MUCH in the last 5 years.  I see wrinkles in the creases of my eyes when I try to smile.  I see bags under my eyes from lack of sleep.  I see pain from sometimes not knowing what to do to best help my children and to best help my husband.  I am old.   The weird thing is.....I'm ok with getting older, TRULY!!!!  But I just want to look in the mirror and recognize myself.  I look into my eyes and see the same eyes I've seen all the years of my life.  But other than that, I'm a stranger to myself.
After all this, fast forward to super recently.  I ended up having spine surgery a month ago (March 11th).  This has changed the way I have to do things on a regular basis.  I used to think that being a strong woman meant that I needed to not only be mentally strong, but I also thought it meant being physically strong.  I used to carry 8 bags of trash out at a time.  I used to carry both of my youngest children in my arms PLUS 8 bags of heavy groceries, all at the same time.  I used to help my husband do every bit of outside work, especially the heavy stuff that he struggles with by himself.  I used to try to do those things by myself so that my hubby would get home from work and be happy, because he would be able to relax once he got home.   I can't lift like that any more, nor will I ever be able to.  How this has changed me!!!!!  It has really messed with my self-esteem!!!!  It was one of the ways I showed love towards my husband, so I have had to change and find other things to replace that one thing that meant a lot to me.
Again, a few days ago, I was looking in the mirror.  I just stared and stared and stared.  I cried as I searched for the young girl I used to see and be.  I couldn't find her or see her anywhere.  I finally had to go away from the mirror and just start into my day with my regular chores.  Still, the thought never left my mind that there was an old woman trapped inside my little ol' 35 year old self.   The more I have thought about it though......I am ok with it.  I am getting older.  I am changing.  I have been through so much in my life, most of only which my husband knows everything. 
All this has been teaching me yet another lesson that has been humbling to me.  I believe each and every person goes through so very much in their life.  Most of us have no idea of what every stranger we come across has been through.  There are so many people who have been through so much pain, so much struggle, so much heartache, so many trials, so many physical problems, so many mental problems.......If only we could look at a person's soul and try to see the person behind the eyes that are aging....the person behind the skin that is aging.....the person behind the imperfect smile............
I just genuinely LOVE people.  I have learned so much, through my experiences, about my own vanity and about the way I love people.  In my young adult years, there were several years where I was so focused on how I looked/how I was perceived physcially.....to where I didn't worry about what mattered.  How I treated people that loved me and that I loved.   Putting myself in their shoes and thinking about how they felt or how I was affecting them.   I have changed.  My heart has changed, my soul has changed, my life has changed.  And it's all for the better.  A LOT better. 
Sometimes my soul is wrecked with pain when I think about the possible pain I caused people in my past.  I don't believe there is anyone that holds anything against me, but.....I always think to myself......geeesh, if I could go back in time and affect the people I hurt in a positive way.....think how I could have maybe helped changed their world and bring happiness to their world.  Think how I could have stopped a cycle of heartbreak.
It's just really, really interesting to learn as we go throughout this life.  We all change based on our experiences.  We all change based on our biggest struggles that we overcome.  We all change based on self-reflecting on why we are the way we are.   I think that MOST all of us do the best we can.  I think that MOST all of us try our hardest to do the best we know how.  I absolutely LOVE that life is literally an educational journey about insight into ourselves.....and finding out who we are and why we are here.  My favorite part of life, as of recently, is all the lessons that have taught me how to be completely non-judgemental and how to love others, despite all of our amazing differences.  Life is full of awesome, amazing people.....all around us.....and we are all on the same journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We should all always be on the same team!!!!!!!!
Now, back to that old woman inside of me....Even though I still don't recognize her yet, I still love her and want to nourish the fact that she IS me and I AM her.    :)

Memories - Written May 23, 2013 at 3:43 pm

Memories

 

It's so strange to me how a little photo, or a little sound, or a little smell, or a little sight......can take you back to a great memory.  Here I am, sitting in my little modest home........I have all the windows open on this warm day, and the breeze is blowing the curtains. 

I also have on a little oscillating fan.  The fan reminds me of my Grandma and Grandpa Franklin.  Every time I would go to their house as a little girl, I remember they would have on a little oscillating fan, trying to keep cool.  I LOVE the sight and sound of an oscillating fan, because it instantly takes my mind back to remembering them.  I have great memories of sleeping in their camper trailer overnight.  They kept it parked right next to their house, and us kids would sure get a kick out of it when we got to spend the night in it.  I also remember that they always had a pretty fantastic garden.  I would sneak out of their house and go lay in the garden and pick peas off and eat them.  They also had a huge wooden bridge in their big back yard, and all of us kids liked to go play back there.  We made up all kinds of games, all of which incorporated that bridge.  I miss the smell of my Grandpa's car.  Every once in awhile, on a Sunday, he would take me on a speaking assignment with him, for church.  We would travel atleast an hour or so to get to wherever we were going.  Usually it was a hot day when I'd go with him, so I remember the smell of the air conditioner in his car when it first got turned on.  To this day, that smell still takes me back to those great times.  Also, he had those old fashioned cup holders that you would hang on the door of your car.....and he would always get me a soda pop.  Usually Dr. Pepper.  It was considered quite the treat to me in those days.

What got me thinking about all of this???  Well, today, I was looking at some old photo's.  I stopped and paused for a long moment on one of them.  It was of my mother.  She was holding my daughter that I had just given birth to.  Keep in mind, this picture was from almost 14 years ago.  I remember, in that picture, she was supposed to have been going to a very important doctor's appointment in Iowa City, but she called the doctor's and told them she wouldn't be there, because I was more important.  She knew I was going to be in the delivery room by myself, giving birth, and come heck or high water, she wasn't going to miss being there.  Turns out, my daughter was the first and only grandchild she would ever get to hold & touch in this life.  And even then, it was only for a few months.

As I was looking at the photo, I stared long and hard into her eyes.  I could see huge bags under her eyes from being so tired....so exhausted.  She was wearing a brand new pair of pink pajama's.  She had wanted to buy a really comfortable pair of pajama's for a really long time.....for all her hospital stays, when she was getting chemotherapy.  I never knew my mom to buy anything for herself, EVER, so I was so excited that she actually bought herself a pair of pajama's.  They were from Wal-Mart, so super cheap, but still.....they made her happy and comfortable.

I could see the wrinkles on her face.....the lines from stress, frustration, loneliness, happiness, sadness, laughter, despair, agony, joy......every emotion was written on her face.  I could see her smile.....one that was absolutely genuine, but overwhelmed with tiredness.

I could see all kinds of marks and bruises on her body, from the hundreds of times they had to poke her with needles.  I could see the gauze covering a spot on her chest, from where they kept a port.
I could see the tiny bit of hair that she had.......She had tried to color it, but it still showed some thin, grey hair coming through.

I hope that you are all good to your mother's.  I hope that you spend time with them and realize what you have by having them in this life with you still.  I hope you realize that you are so blessed to have their friendships and guidance.

I know soooooooo many people that have things a MILLION times worse than me!!!  That being said, I was far too young when I lost my mom.  I was 20 years old and had just had my first baby 3 months prior to her passing.  She was only 42.  It took me a long time to realize my mom wasn't going to come back.  Growing up, we are never taught about what would happen if Mom would die.  That was just never an option.  Mom would ALWAYS be around.  Mom would always "fix" everything.  Even after she told us that she was really sick and had cancer, I thought.....well, "She will be ok.  She's a fighter.  She'll be around for a long time still."

Turns out, she WAS a fighter.  She fought and fought and fought.....and gave that cancer the fight of her life.

Cancer infuriates me.  It gives me great sadness.  All these years later, to hear of OTHER people's struggles with cancer, it still infuriates me that people have to go through that.  That families have to lose their parents/mothers/dads/brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/children.   That children have to grow up without their mom or dad.   It's just not right.  I truly try to focus NOT on death, but on the life someone lived.  Somedays it is just still really hard.

I still needed my mother.  My brothers and sisters all still needed her.  My Dad still needed her.  Her brothers and sisters still needed her.  Her parents still needed her.  Her friends still needed her.  Her work still needed her.  The world still needed her.  All I can think about when I have really, really, really rough times and rough days....is how I wish I had her just to hug....or to cry on....or to laugh with.  She told the best jokes and I would literally be on the floor laughing out of control.

I always have to assume that she must have had a greater calling.....a greater purpose.....In Heaven.  That's what everyone tells me anyway.  But lots of days, it is hard to believe that she had a greater purpose than being here for her 11 children, all of whom were very, very young still.
I miss her.  I miss her greatly.    I do believe in something greater than this life, and I choose to believe that she is preparing a home for us wherever she is at.  With her love for children, I know she is helping children too.

I am so grateful for special moments and times, where I can feel her around.  Where I get special memories of her.  Where I am reminded that she really isn't so far away.

I love when I smell all the lilacs in our yard.  They were one of her favorite smells.  I love when I smell perfume that smell like the ones she wore.  I love wearing her necklace at special events, to feel like she is a part of me.  I love voicing my opinion, even to doctor's, because she taught me that ALL people are JUST PEOPLE.  Nobody is greater than anyone else.  Ever.  I love hearing songs on the radio that she used to sing....ones I used to roll my eyes at when I was little.  lol.  I love the smell of making fudge at Christmas, because that's one of the things she made every year with us.   I remember too, that on New Years Eve, we never had money to do anything, but she would make it special for us by letting us put glittery confetti on the ceiling fans....and then when New Years would hit, we'd turn on the fans and the confetti would fly everywhere.  I remember she would always make us matching dresses for church, so I'll even see patterns that remind me of something she would have picked out.  I remember her love for puppies.  I remember her love for taking drives in the country.  I remember her love for Gardetto's.  I remember her going and buying stuff for her lunches at County Market.  She worked 3rd shift at the Hospital.  I remember her love of wanting to feed/help the missionaries.  I remember her teaching us how to sing.....and putting us in piano lessons.....and putting us in violin lessons.  I remember her allowing us to pick out a new instrument to play once we hit 5th grade.  She always, always, always made a way for us to excel in music.  I still don't know how she did it.

Take pause and remember how much you genuinely love those around you, especially those that are closest to you.  You wife, your husband, your children, your parents, you grandparents.  You just never, ever, ever, ever know when anybody's time to leave this world will come.  Until then, all we can do is focus on making amazing memories.  Realize what you have right in front of you, before it's too late.  LOVE each other.  Help each other.  Help ease each other's burdens.  Do service for those that need it.

When you see those that have huge bags under their eyes, and stress lines all over their face, be creative and think of something to do to put some light in their life.  You just never, ever, ever, ever know how much a little bit of LOVE can do for someone.

I know this is an old photo, but LOOK AT THE LEGACY SHE LEFT!!!!!!!!!  It has all of us kids in it.  And her first grandchild, Madison.  And my Dad.  :)

I LOVE YOU ALL.

 

I'm so lucky....

An old blog from 10/15/07  :)

I picked my daughter up from school in my dad's truck the other day. She asked me if she could ride in the back... and I let her since she rarely gets the chance to ride in the back of a truck. Plus, I know as a kid, I just LOVED when someone would let me ride in the back of a truck to feel the wind on my face and all that good stuff.
Well, as we rode home, I kept watching her through the rearview mirror. When we started going faster, she got the BIGGEST REAL smile on her face while she closed her eyes and held her arms and hands straight out, as if she was really embracing feeling the wind rush over her face and through her hair. She had noooo idea that I was watching her or how often I looked in the mirror to watch her, but geesh, seeing that real and beautiful of a smile on my daughters face made my entire day... plus, it put a permanent memory into my mind that I will never forget. I would give ANYTHING to see that smile on her face every single moment! Being a mom is so perfect during unexpected moments like that.
It got even better that night as I was getting ready for bed. I had just gotten into my pajamas and had kneeled down at the side of my bed to say my night prayer when Madison walked in with a big, sweet smile on her face and asked if she could tell me something. I said "Of course! You always can!!" She then threw her arms around me and told me that she loves me more than anything, that she thinks I have beautiful eyes, and that she doesn't know what she would do without me. Then she told me she had something for me. She ran into her room and came running back into my room with a Ziplock baggie full of pennies. She handed them to me and said that she'd been saving all her pennies till she had a lot so that she could give me all of them for gas money since I always take her everywhere. Awwww!!!!!
We had a real touching moment... we hugged... we said "I love you" a million times back and forth... we smiled nonstop... and then we said our night prayer together before I tucked her into bed. When I went to check on her 15 minutes later, she looked like she had fallen asleep with a smile on her face.
Oh my gosh, I just love my daughter sooooo much. I just love children!! They give out the sweetest, most genuine, most pure, most lasting type of love ever... and they see and experience the world with such amazing, innocent eyes. They have the incredible power to transform your life and your thoughts. Just one moment can make me smile the entire day. One note or picture from them makes me melt. One tear from their eyes makes me want to bake them cupcakes. I'm just so thankful to be a mom and I just feel so lucky that I was blessed with such a special little girl that makes me feel and see real love and miracles every single day.

Music is my angel...

An old blog about music that I wrote almost 6 years ago!!!  :)  Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Music is my angel...

How is it that music is the only thing in this world that can soothe me properly and sufficiently? I mean, other things soothe me very short term, but music..... Music really IS my angel. Music delves deep into the deepest pit of my soul and makes me feel emotions and feelings that are like therapy to me. Music is my constant, loyal companion who I trust completely. I surrender myself willingly and openly to this passion of mine. I can not go a day without it. Music really IS my oxygen, and without it, I would surely suffocate. I give my complete trust to music and it seems that my music trusts me completely as well. Music keeps coming to me...... The notes of music.....they come...... they pick me up on its shoulders and they take me for a ride through the entire magical lit-up sky. All I can see is rainbows, light, stars, glitter, cotton candy..... YES........ music. My best friend. The one thing that has never abandoned me my entire life. How dear it is to me. It never fails to wrap its arms around me and make me feel something that it knows I need to feel.
I've figured out why I want to keep going with my lifelong passion of music..... why I can't stop..... why I keep persisting......
I want people to hear my music and have them be taken to the same exact place where music has always taken me. There are no troubles there. Everything is gorgeous and perfect, and for once you feel like that must surely be heaven. Even if for only a little while.